she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
