Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
