I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
