We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize