Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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