god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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