know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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