the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
The Olympian is in my bed
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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