She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Why are your pants in the freezer?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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