yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
