He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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