Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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