On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Randomize
