A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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