I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
