I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize