My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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