it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
