I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
