I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
A bitchslap is in order.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
