I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
