My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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