My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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