i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
