I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
