walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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