I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize