My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize