I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
