Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
