ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Are my feet made of real feet?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
