You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
