Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
