Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
