Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize