it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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