I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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