Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
