census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize
