I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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