I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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