I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I stole a fireplace last night.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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