Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
