Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
