my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
