mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
