She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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