I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i barfeds in our rink
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I smell like Dick and happiness
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