i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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