you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
