Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
