I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
