hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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