got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
