break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
