DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
