i'm signing you up for texting rehab
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
