I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I would ride that face into the sunset
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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