Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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