Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
